As I get older, I find there are more and more things that are required of me to stay healthy.  Gone are the days of scarfing on burgers and all sorts of fried foods yet still being able to burn it off just by existing.  Little things such as having to take that little pill (no, it’s not blue) to keep my blood pressure from blowing out the top of my skull.  Chicken finds it’s way onto my menu much more often these days.  Honestly, I really can’t remember the last time I did eat a hamburger, but losing one’s memory is also one of those age by-products as well.

I find that I am also spending a lot more time in the gym.  I can’t “run” on the treadmill just yet, but that may be just around the corner.  Incorporating a weight training program also helps with getting myself back to being a somewhat healthy individual.  I’m to the point now where I am eager to make it in the gym.  It used to be 4-5 days per week and now it’s 6-7 days each week.  Things are starting to come around but I’ve got a long way to go.  Since I’m spending much more time in one of these facilities, I’ve been noticing a lot of the stereotype individuals.  I’ve always thought they were more of an urban myth, but they really do exist.  As I describe these folks, I’m sure that those of you who also frequent the gym will automatically be able to identify those that you see on a regular basis.

Starting in the locker room.  For a guy, this can be quite an uncomfortable place.  Being around that many men who really don’t have an issue with walking around completely naked with other guys is a bit disturbing.  To each his own, but even around other guys there should be some kind of modesty.  Of course, I try and strategically find a locker that is a little out of the way, but it never succeeds.  You’ve always got those guys that appear to display a certain level of modesty by keeping their backs to the others.  I always seem to be situated near the one who feels it necessary to just bend over right in front of me while they put on a jock strap or some other sort of undergarment.  Please, step away.  I really don’t need to be witness to this.

Once over this traumatic event, there is always the instance of timing.  Just as I’m bending over to tie my shoes there’s the guy who has just come from the shower passing in front of me…..without a towel wrapped around them.  I have to say to myself “Keep looking down……don’t raise your head dude.  You don’t want to see that.”  As I finish with my pre-workout routine (i.e. getting dressed down) I glance over to see Tighty-whitey guy.  Yeah, they’re neither tight, nor white anymore.  Kind of droopy-dingy guy.  At about this moment my entire body shudders in an uncontroled manner.  “Just keep moving.”

Once out on the floor, I scan the area seeking a treadmill located in front of the television showing ESPN.  Hopefully some kind of game is on that will help me get through the time spent walking to nowhere.  Most of the folks who use the cardio equipment really are there to better themselves.  Cardio excercise is essential in lowering blood pressure, burning fat and losing weight…..if done correctly.  Follow instructions or, better yet, seek professional assistance in setting up a workout plan.

Oh yeah, the professional assistance.  You can always tell those who have had a few sessions with a personal trainer.  They’re ususally the ones doing some kind of crazy routine that involves some kind of jumping, sliding, skipping usually with a medicine ball or weights not attached to a bar.  I once saw somebody sprawled out spider-like with 10lb platelets on the floor under each hand and foot.  They were doing some kind of crawl/shuffle that did not look at all comfortable.  You can tell who the new trainers are as well.  They prowl the floor looking for unsuspecting individuals who can be duped into performing these stupid human tricks.  Once they find their victim, errr, client the patrols lose their frequency.

There are certain women whose only purpose for going to the gym is to look pretty.  They like to parade around and piss off all those who are there working hard to better themselves.  You’ve seen them.  Yes, they are pretty.  Usually wearing the latest in workout fashion.  A skimpy, tight spandex sports bra or tank top.  They like to spend a few minutes in the cardio class and will hit a few machines, though the weight used even a 3rd grader could lift.  They have no muscle definition at all even when lifting said light weights.  Sometimes, if you’re clever enough, you can catch her looking around to see who is watching her.  Once she determines that she is being watched she’ll appear indifferent and uninterested in everybody else.

There are also guys who are quite muscular.  It’s easy to tell those who are serious about the body building and health aspects of a workout.  The routines they do, the way they carry themselves and what they wear.  Then, there are the meatheads…..usually associated with “Pretty Girl”.  Oh they may appear to be muscular, and generally they are, but not very symetrical.  Their upper bodies are stacked and huge.  They’re very strong and put a lot of weight on whatever apparatus they use.  They’re the ones who wear the spaghetti strap tank tops.  Usually a custom job done by themselves.  However, take a closer look.  You won’t see any of these guys in a pair of shorts. Why?  They’ve completely neglected building leg muscles.  They’ve got this Atlas of an upper body with skinny little chicken legs.  Their sole purpose is to show off how much they can lift while intermittently strutting around.

Then there’s the women who secretly wish they had a penis.  You’ve seen them.  They’re the ones who come along after you used something with so much weight you think you’re about to blow a testicle, and they put on just a bit more for their warm-up.  That nut that you were concerned about losing?  All of a sudden receeds back up into your pelvic cavity in shame never to be seen again.  These women have muscles on their face and talk in a voice deep enough to rival James Earl Jones.  Next time you see one, ask if they’ll sing a few bars of Barry White’s “You’re My Everything”.  Be forewarned.  If she gets it, she’ll probably kick your ass.

Next time you go to the gym, see how many people there fit into these categories.  It very well could make your next workout that much more enjoyable.  I give total props to all those who are trying to make themselves healthier.  America if the fattest nation in the world and much more focus needs to be put on becoming a healthier country.  Spend the money and join a gym, become active.  Don’t let the meatheads, pretty girls and penis-wanting women scare you away.  Sack up and get healthy.